Please, I want to get off.

Please can I just get off this ride? I can’t physically or emotionally handle it anymore. The one year mark has come and gone and yet here I sit as barren and empty as ever. Yesterday Josh and I went to his niece’s 1st birthday party. It was hell, absolute hell. Everyone was there with their infants and toddlers. I was on the verge of tears the whole time wondering if I would ever get to throw my child a first birthday party. I cried in the bathroom more than once. Everyone probably thinks I am an uber bitch because I didn’t really talk to anyone. I couldn’t. If someone would have asked me when we plan to have kids I would have just lost it right then and there. As I am sitting here typing this I hear a baby in the waiting room. Every sound it makes rips my heart out. I am just so depressed. When we started with the RE 2 months ago I told myself I would be pregnant by Christmas. Well, Christmas is just 2 short cycles away. I honestly don’t see it happening. I just don’t think I will be able to make it through the holidays. Just thinking about watching my nieces and nephews opening their Christmas presents and everyone cooing over them tears my heart out. I just can’t do it. I can’t. I wonder if Josh will be up for skipping Christmas this year and going on a cruise instead. I doubt he will go for that.

I honestly can’t picture myself being happy again. IF has completely ruined me. I feel battered and abused. Mentally I am not where I used to be and I don’t know if I can get back to that place. I am depressed and angry. I avoid going shopping. Seeing pregnant women and babies just makes me angry and sad. I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy and focus on other aspects of my life, but I can’t. The only this I have ever wanted was to get married and have babies. Nothing else is important.